I'll start with the faux wedding. Jennifer and I decided before we even got to Vegas we had a few things we wanted to do while we were there. One being seeing naked men dance in front of our faces, I forgot the second one already, and the third being get married to piss off our mothers. We'd settle for slight cardiac arrests. The most important reason we wanted to get married to a random man in Vegas is for their home location. In hopes their home location being of an exotic location. So of course we'd have a vacation spot with free room and board. I was shooting for a man from Maui or the like and Jen was dreaming of a summer vacation on a villa in Puerto Rico with her new hubby. Maybe we could even talk them into buying their lovely new brides tickets to their new hometowns.Or we could at least vacation during our annulments.
Honestly after our first day in Vegas I completely forgot about this part of our to do list. We met so many people it was hard to decide what to do and who to do. I think it was our second night after we stumbled out of club number four of the night that we ran into a few guys from Vegas. Well not originally but they were locals and funny as shit. My feet were killing me and as I was giving into the pain and taking my heels off that's when we ran into them. One offered to carry me. I was leery about accepting, not because he was a stranger but because I thought I was going to break his back. Once I quizzed his physical abilities I gave in. He only had 10lbs on me. I'll have to give him props he didn't drop my drunk ass. Fifty feet later we got into a cab, all five of us. I proceeded to bitch at the cab driver about driving us through the strip and not the highway. It had only taken me a day of $30+ cab rides to realize their "shortcuts" were taking us an additional five fucking miles out of the way. At least I caught onto those bastards sooner then later. Plus I kept wondering why we had to go onto the interstate just to get to the opposite end of the strip. In the cab I must have done a lot of complaining over achy feet because I was getting foot rubs, and I hope Jen did too. We get to our hotel make our way to the room. I immediately changed out of my dress and into sweats. That's why I look like a ninja in the pics above at the wedding chapel. We all decided to leave the hotel for reasons I'm still unclear of. I just remember when we stumbled out I saw a wedding chapel and it dawned on me that that was our plan. So I proposition the men. Marry us, like now. Ok not a proposition more like a demand. They happily agreed, Score!! If I would've known it was this easy to marry a hot man I would've done it a long time ago. Well you see the pics so you know how it goes. The one where we're all mooning the camera man is going to be my Christmas card this year. Yep my lily white ass is what you have forward to this holiday season. For our wedding reception we tried calling all the numbers in the book of ads for 70+ year old women or gay men to come celebrate with us. I swear to God it sounded like the same bitch answering the phone every time no matter what number we dialed. My last call to such bitch ended like this.
Bitch: (with too much attitude to be an escort answering service representative) What do you want? You need to call from a hotel number because I don't believe you want a woman to come give you lap dances when you call from a long distance number.
Me: I just want a 70+ year old woman to give us a lap dance. And everyone here is from out of town so what does that matter?
Bitch: Well I just don't believe you blah blah blah blah
Me: Well you're a cunt C-U-N-T, cunt
Bitch: No I'm not, you sound like a teenager, I bet you're not even old enough to get in a casino.
Me: Why the fuck didn't you just hang up on me when I called you a cunt then spelled it out?
Dumb ass bitch I think I'm going to give her a buzz this week for a lil pow wow. Maybe she'll be willing to meet for lunch next time I go to Vegas. I like long distance relationships.
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