But there is such thing as a penis that's too big. Here's a little story from my book that explains such occurrences.
Noel, my gay ex-husband's cousin whom I
lived with for about eight months or so was like a sister to me.
Which made my real sister, Deanna uberly jealous, but if she had been
hooking me up with guys as hot as Noel was hooking me up with she
would have been Queen B. She's still my favorite sister, sometimes.
Well she's my favorite when she's not on her period. I often wanted to beat Deanna up. I envisioned dragging
her out the front door by her hair and giving her a good ass
whooping. I never did because I knew my mother would disown me,
even if it was just a gentle karate chop to the tits. It was the typical sisterly love. Noel on the
other hand was chill, and easy to get along with. Probably from all
the pot she smoked. This side of the family is Japanese, and whatever
white people actually are. Noel was gorgeous. Nice color, long black
hair, round white people eyes, no boobies (she tried to say she was a
B cup, but she wasn't fooling me, padding doesn't count as part of
your cup size, remember I did her chores? Including her laundry, go back to the MINOR? blog entry), and
a great ass. Despite all these great attributes it still didn't stop
my constant thoughts of plucking those eyebrows, they drove me nuts.
No guys seemed to mind the eyebrows as soon as she told them she was
part Japanese, that clever lady. We all know what goes through guys'
heads when they hear a chick is Asian, freaky sex. The fact that she
used that to her advantage made me proud. Like the mother of a chick
that flies out of the nest for the first time.
My sort of cousin started introducing
me to her friends, mostly guys. There was a couple that always stuck
out in my head, Albie and Phillip. When Noel introduced me to Albie I
couldn't believe my eyes. I had struck man gold! I owed Noel BIG time
for this one. Albie's father is black and white, and his mother is
Korean. And he's the best combination of all of those. Tall, dark and
handsome. He modeled for Abercrombie & Fitch so of course his
body was impeccable. We hit it off, and started hanging out several
days a week.
One day I learned how much pot Albie
smoked, a fucking lot! He asked me to take him to a friends house, I
agreed. He was gorgeous and I wasn't going to miss out on spending
anytime with him. I definitely wanted to be seen in public with him.
We get to his friend's house, it was a chick. That's cool I'm alright
with that. She wouldn't acknowledge my presence, that's cool too,
jealous much bitch? She starts ranting about whatever drama is going
on with her, boring, boring, boring. Then finally suggests we hot box
it in her car. Thank freaking God! And I'm glad she said her car and
not my POS, because knowing my luck the smoke would leak out the
front windshield. (And a cop would just so happen to be riding past
with his window down. They'd realize it before me, and get away and
I'd still be stuck in the backseat on a car seat). In her car the
three of us our smoking our brain cells dead. My phone rings, it's my
mom. Mommy dearest needed me to pick up something from her house. I
tell Albie and we head out. We weren't even three miles away from my
mom's house, in the house I grew up in. In a city I spent my ENTIRE
life in. I knew all the back roads by heart, and could drive them
with me eyes shut. If someone told me they were by the farm on
McDonough Road headed to my house, I could picture in my mind them
driving, and point out the second they were about to turn onto my
street. I knew my shit. Not this day. I got lost. What was supposed
to be less then a seven minute drive became a 45 minute drive. “Dude
you're smart, but you have no sense of direction when you're high”,
says ye ol' wise one Albie. I literally drove in circles for thirty
minutes before getting my bearings. As I pull up to my mom's house it
finally dawns on me I'm high as a fucking kite, and to my knowledge
she's never seen me high before. Play cool, play cool, my mom's a
blond maybe she won't notice. Shit she's going to see I have a guy in
the car and want to meet him.
For most people this wouldn't be a big
deal, but when your mom is a clown/cleaning lady/minister it is. Oh
mother how ye embarrass me. And when you do so mommy dearest you know
it, and always try to play it off as cutesy. She made us be a “clown
family”when I was at the pubescent age of 12. Took as many family
photos in this get up and made a photo album. She'd show anyone that
came over to visit me. We don't even have a regular, normal people
family photo album, oh no because that's not cute or
embarrassing. So after awhile of me crying and complaining about her
showing this photo album she stopped, unless my little sister, Deanna
brought it out to share. See why I wanted to whoop her ass? It never
failed, any guy I was remotely interested in would see me in the
American flag parachute pants, white tuxedo jacket, painted face of
what I can only describe as It's younger, more gentle, sarcastic
sister, with a long red, curly haired wig. To really drive this point
of embarrassment home, my clown mom became the PTA president of my
middle school. That's right, she dressed as a clown when she did some
of the PTA meetings. And it doesn't stop there. My mom is an ordained
minister. Her favorite thing to say to people she just meets no
matter how inappropriate it may be is this, “There's only two kinds
of people I meet, the kind that are saved and the kind that are about
to be. Which one are you?” And trying to talk anything about sex,
relationships with my mother is impossible. If I ask her opinion on a
guy problem her response is always, “Pray about it”. I remember
asking her about sex, and people she's been with because let's face
it she's been married a gazillion times. It never fails that what I
ask gets her so uncomfortable that the only thing that comes out is,
“That was B.C. Before Christ. You know before I became a
Christian”. Imagine how frustrating it was to be a child let alone
teenager in that house. But despite all my mom's quirks everyone
loves her (except for the men in my life that she tortures with clown
pictures and discussions of Christianity). This should give you a
good idea why I was panicking when I realized I was not only high,
but that there was a guy in the car. I decided this day my mother
wouldn't have a chance to weave her Christian clown magic on my
hottie with the body in my car. I pulled in jumped out and ran in
grab said item and left. Albie thought I was nuts, I blamed it on the
rain.
Even though Albie knew his ranking in
the scales of looks he preferred the woman to come and get it. I
don't get this I never have. I get having confidence is hot, and if a
chick comes onto a guy that's hot. But what about the ugly or average
chicks that have false sense of cuteness and come onto guys? Do they
still get the guy even though they aren't so hot just because of
confidence? This has always confused me. Well apparently Albie liked
overly confident girls period. I can be forward, but in general I'm
not. And it's not that I'm not confident because I am, it's just I
think a man should still do some chasing, you know just so you'll
know it's not a one way affair. So weeks went by and he wasn't coming
on to me. It didn't make sense. Yea we did the make out sessions but
nothing further. Until one day we were at his house. He lived with
his parents, yea I know what you're thinking but he had it fucking
made in that big ass house I don't blame him for wanting to stay. He
pulled me into his parents room and made it known that he wanted some
ass. I was totally surprised for two reasons, one he finally wanted
to do it, and two because he wanted to do it in his parents room.
Gross. I could NEVER have sex in my parents room, let alone in their
house. Even to this day I consider my parent's house a church. I'd
repent for even thinking of sex while in their house. I didn't want
to ruin my opportunity with Albie so I dismissed my second thought.
Until he pulled it out. When I said earlier that he had all the great
traits from the different races he was, this is one of them. That man
was hung like a walrus, and I was scared speechless. So scared in
fact I left, yep I left him on his mother's bed with his third leg
out. I couldn't do it. I think I would've died if I had done it, and
I didn't want to go down that way. Because I know if I went that way,
my mother's revenge would be dressing me as a fucking clown and
having an open casket.
So that's the dilemma, good thing you don't run across a penis that's TOO BIG that often. That was actually the only time it had ever happened to me. But still would I rather have a big penis then a big wallet. I've had a big wallet before and I know for a fact I would've been happier if a big penis was there instead. So here's to men whom are well endowed!!! PS. Big Wallets are compensation for small penises and a LV purse isn't going to make sex feel any better.
Out of control lol
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