Gaymance

     Forget romance (it's overrated, thanks a lot Hollywood), even forget bromance, let's talk about gaymance. That's right I'm referring to that special relationship that a straight girl has with her gay BFF. I think every girl needs her own gay. Those days where I'd run into a friendly gay everywhere I went in Atlanta are missed. I haven't ever been without my own gay until I moved here to Florida.We don't have very many gay men here mostly lesbians. The only gay man I know here is our House Dad at work. He's amazing in every way. He cooks, does hair, talks about men, you name all the fun stuff he does it. I'm not going to mention his age (in fear of him kicking my ass later or maybe just pulling my hair and scratching my face) but let's just say he has more hot men knocking on his (back) door then I do at the good ol' ripe age of 28. And why wouldn't he? He's gay, funny as hell, and just simply amazing.

     Of course when I lived in Atlanta I had my share of gaymances. Even in Germany I had one of my favorite gays. I loved how in Europe people are so open about everything. Men wear speedos to the beach with no worries of harassment. Same goes with gay men/teens. I can't tell you how many fests I went to in Germany, (fests aka big ass out door party, where everyone get's shit faced on 500 year old cobblestone, and and smoke weed in the crevices of even older buildings downtown. And they have them year round, in every city there, any excuse to party for free out in public.) where I'd see teens as young as 13 being open about their sexuality. I loved it! Now I wasn't a big fan of seeing old, obese, wolf-like creatures wearing speedos to the beach, but the fact no one gave a shit made me happy. My dream is that before I die the U.S. of good ol A starts being more like Europe. The gays are free and open, the fat men free to wear their manly, leopard print g-strings on the beach or at the pools, and I can be naked at those same pools and beaches in my own leopard print g-string if I want.

Side Note: My 27th birthday trip to Ibiza, Spain was my first experience being topless in a public place. I had to get Larry drunk before he'd let me do it. I really think he gave in because he knew that I knew he was only their to see the local tits. So when I took my top off on those sandy beaches of Ibiza I felt so free. Then so pissed that the fucking prudes in the states had been keeping me from this feeling my whole life. Fucking bastards they are. We were born naked, so what's the big deal?

     So as of now I have no local gaymance. A modern girl really needs this in her life. What straight female relationship is as honest as a gaymance? Not very many if any. Think about it this ladies, how many times have you been getting ready for a date and you ask your bestie if you look fat in something, she always says no. She'd say you look great in anything. You want to test this? Put on some corduroy flairs, and a top with horizontal lines. Now ask her if you look fat. She's going to say no, because most likely she's single and misrable and wants you to stay on that bandwagon with her. BUT if you had a gaymance in that same situation, that queen wouldn't even let you keep those corduroy flairs in your closet, he'd already be lighting those bitches on fire in the sink. See that's a good fucking friend right there. Plus you can do an array of other awesome in your gaymance.

   Awesome Things You Can Do Having A Gaymance

1. Talk about boys without either getting jealous.
2. If someone says size queen in front of the two of you, you both look at each other with a look like which one of us is he referring to?
3. You two will most likely never have the same competition.
4. Your gay will never let you go out the house looking like shit, ever. Now the way he tells you that your original clothing choice for the evening sucks might be a bit harsh, but just remember he actually means well.
5. You can take him into the ladies room and/or dressing room without people thinking you're a whore and going to fuck in there.
6. He knows how to put dumb ignorant people in their place. This is my favorite. I consider myself quick witted, but sometimes ignorant people through me off by their stupidity. BUT if you had a gaymance he's got your back and will put that little shit in their place in a heartbeat. And then all's you have to say afterwards to the little shit is a good strong "YEA!"

     Someone please bring me a new gay!

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to offend anyone in particular, just trying to offend everyone!

Maxed Out

Sex Partner Number: 18

A couple months after moving to Florida from Germany I was formally introduced to Craig's List. I know I was behind several years, but when you're living in Germany who the fuck needs the Internet? Gina being my best friend told me to get on there and look at whatever I was interested in. That moment in time I had a Coach addiction. So my Craig's List browsing was of just that. Bored by the selection I looked at clothes. I found a great deal. This chick was selling clothes from Abercrombie and the like with tags still on them. I'm not known for looking for deals, or being cheap but I wasn't letting this opportunity go to waste. Once in the car with Gina a few months before this we were discussing being frugal. This statement actually came out of my mouth, “I tried being frugal once, it's just not for me.” Gina still reminds me of that.

I contacted the seller of said clothes, and we made a time a place, her place for me to look at the clothes. I make the drive to her place. She met me in the parking garage and showed me where to park. Once parked she said she was getting her boyfriend to bring the box of clothes down for me. I thought nothing of it and we started chatting. She was this short, long haired Asian chick. Cutesy but not hot. No boobs of course, but a great sense of style. She was one of those Asian girls that act like white girls, no biggie I just liked that I could understand her when she spoke. But I bet she sucks at driving. We talked about her job as a bartender at T.G.I. Friday's or Applebee's or whatever lame ass chain restaurant it was, and babysitting. (I haven't been able to eat at these sorts of restaurants since my return from Germany. Once you get real food from a good restaurant in a different country your taste will never be the same.) I wasn't working at the time, and was wondering what it was like to work at a bar. Think of the men you could meet, but think of the ugly shoes you'd have to wear. Not worth it. I wouldn't wear a pair of those black tennis shoes if my life depended on it. There's no way to make those things cute.

Suddenly the door to the building opens, and out comes one of the hottest men I've ever seen holding a box of tagged Abercrombie clothes. One of the greatest sights in my life. I was instantly in love. I upped my charm. Yea it was her boyfriend but they couldn't possibly last, he was too hot for her. I can't even describe him because it would do him no justice at all. I sorted through the clothes making sure my bosom was known. He saw my lil ones in the car and went on and on about how cute they were. Crap even more sexy then I thought he could be. I purchased a few items and left. On my drive home I thought about how I could break them up and keep him as my own, oh well wishful thinking, or so I thought.

Fast forward several months. It was a month or so after I started working at Sammy's as when a couple familiar faces came in. The Asian and her man Max. Slightly disappointed of the relationship they had that was still going on I made my way to them to say hi. She only vaguely remembered me but I had a feeling his memory was more then vague. We did the usual small talk you do of two people that made a Craig's List exchange and I went back to working. Every chance I got I'd look his direction. I thought of all the ways I could injure her so that it looked like an accident, you know to make myself feel better.

A few weeks later I'm at work on a busy Friday night. It's so busy in fact that it's hard to make money. I know that sounds crazy but it isn't. If it's really busy and crowded you really don't have room to talk to the guys to get more tips out of them. If you do manage to sit with a group they normally can't hear you because there's so much noise. It makes for bad small talk. How am I supposed to charm the money right out of their wallets if they can't hear my charm? Well just as I start giving up on the night in walks a familiar face. A very familiar face. The face of one of the hottest guys I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, Max.

As soon as I spot Max I went in for it, he was alone this time. Score! I walked right up to him as he was ordering a drink at the bar. I couldn't wait to talk to him, and I couldn't risk a dancer getting to him first. Plus I knew he'd remember me. He did. We move our conversation over to a table. He starts telling me about how he was leaving in a couple weeks for training elsewhere (he was in the Navy). How he is going to the West Coast right after, and how he hates his girlfriend. OMG OMG he hates her, I'm seriously getting him before he leaves I have to. I wonder what that Asian bitch did to piss him off? Who cares and thank God she did! But why would she fuck up being with a man of this caliber when she's just a wannabe sorority girl working at a lame ass chain restaurant? I'just work at a strip club I know but I haven't always been in this position, I was accomplished at some point. Ok Ok you're now brain fucking the situation. You must concentrate!

I change the girlfriend subject by telling him how cute he was, and how hot I thought he was from that first day we met in the parking garage. Ego stroking is what I like to call it. He then tells me how he also thought I was hot. The deal is sealed now, I am going to get some.

Now during this time I was totally in love with my best friend, Stephen. Stephen was the other hottest men I'd ever been with. He lived in Vegas, but was planning on visiting me the following week. That was my dilemma. Did I not do Max to make sure I didn't ruin things with Stephen if he decided to be with me when he got here? I still wasn't 100% sure how Stepehen felt about me. We had met in Germany a couple years before in class. We fucked then lost touch then got back in touch right before he was going to move back to the states. I was miserable where I was in life and my relationship so I decided to follow Stephen to the states. He encouraged it, well talked me into it. I felt like Stephen was really the one. But if he wasn't and I didn't sleep with Max I'd regret it. Decision made I'd sleep with Max, and it would be my one last Hoorah before Stephen came to be with me if that's what he was coming for.

Max reminded me of what I was wearing the day we met. Total turn on let me just say because you know a man digs you if the can remember what you wore the first time you met months and months ago. He also informed me of how jealous his girlfriend was of me and my boobs. And that she kept asking him if he thought they were fake. That turned me on even more.  I wanted to make sure good and well that he knew I was hot, and interested. I gave him my number and he gave me his. I told him I was going home and to call me. He did of course. When he got to my place it was immediately on. I don't know where or why it slipped my mind that Max was a 22 year old from the country, that had a long term girlfriend, but it did. His hotness didn't completely override his inexperience. No wonder the Asian chick was a bitch, she wasn't getting off. If I went that long without an orgasm from my boyfriend I'd be a bitch too. It wasn't the worst I had but it wasn't the best. I was just glad he was super hot, that made up for most of the inexperience. Once we were done I had to take a picture or two of him. You know to remind myself later of the hottie I pulled for myself, and to e-mail it to Gina so she'd have something to look at later. I know I'm a good friend.

It didn't stop there, he came over again a couple days later on his lunch. This was my first experience with premature ejaculation. Am I supposed to feel proud? Well all pride got squashed when the lady at the pharmacy made me feel like a slut for getting the morning after pill. That bitch! No wonder we have so many teenage pregnancies, people like her and her fucking judgment. The next day he was supposed to come over again. It got canceled because he said he had to go back into work. No worries I'd just go shopping. I take my lil ones with me and we shop for hours. As we started to head out the main entrance who do I see? Max and Asian girl talking to some friends. They both looked at me. Oh fuck, does she know? Am I about to get my ass kicked at the mall? How fast with the guy on the segway get to me if I'm getting my ass beat? Just don't look, don't look. I walked past as if I didn't even recognize them. He called me later. Asked if he could come over. I said no. I couldn't risk an ass whooping or another premature ejaculation.

Women Rule The World, Too Bad The Majority of Them Are Dumb Bitches

     I know what you're thinking. Since when do women rule the world? No I'm not on shrooms at the moment and yes women do. Just because the majority of the world's leaders are men doesn't mean jack shit. Men try to gain power politically to have control in some way of their life, and to prove they are powerful. Why? To impress women, or their woman and show them they have power and try to get their balls back. See while they may get to veto shit, and get escorted around by a limo service, with a bunch of men in suits, women are really telling them what to do. Think about that same powerful man coming home from a long day at the capital or where ever he works to stroke his ego. Gets home to his wife, and she's a controlling bitch. She tells him what to wear, what to eat, when they can have sex, etc... Then he feels like less of a man, she's in control. And I bet she doesn't even work a job, give a good bj or contribute in any significant way to get an all powerful leader of a country to do what she wants. It's not necessarily him being pussy whipped either. Hence the rampant cheating warpath they go on in spite of her. They still aren't in control even then. Deny is what they do when they get caught not for fear of the public, because most men in that position resign, but fear of their bitchy controlling wives.

     This applies to all men, not just the rich and powerful, or regular Joe Smo that's married.
 ALL MEN! Single men why do you work hard to make lots of money? for a nice bachelor pad? a sports car? Yes, but all those things are to attract what? Women. Or if you're gay, womanly like men aka twinks. So ladies we control all men whether we're with them or not, hot or not, or even know them or not. Every move a man makes is all in some sort of round about way to impress us. And in hopes to get into one of our pants.

     Ladies now that you know you're responsible for all that goes on in the world, act like it! Stop being so controlling in the worst ways possible! I am so sick of seeing women treat their men like crap just because they're feeling a bit insecure. It's one thing to just be insecure in general, but insecure in your relationship means you're most likely doing something wrong, and you're doing it to yourself. Now I can talk bad about men and how much they annoy me or drive me nuts all damn day. But as you can see today's rant is about turning dumb bitches into smart bitches. You're always going to be a bitch one way or another.

     The best way to control a man and to get him to do what you want is to not try to control him. Think about all the times guys treated you like they didn't care what you did. It only made you try harder to get their attention right? And what did you do to get that attention? whatever the fuck he wanted! Let's start using some reverse psychology here. It's not some new concept that was recently discovered. Men like a chase, give ém one. Plus then it shows he likes you for real, and you get what you want.

     And because you know I like lists, here's a list of things I hate seeing women do to their man.

1. Go out with the ladies, and when your man decides he'll go out with the guys since you won't be home to fornicate you get all pissed. He wants to go out for the same reasons you do, to look at hot people of the opposite sex, drink, and dance with his buddies without shoes on in a circle surrounding their satchels. Why say no? You worried he's going to find a woman hotter then you that won't treat him as shitty as you?

2. Don't make him watch gay shit on T.V. I know I wouldn't want him to make me watch cars go in circles for 5 hours straight. So why make him watch people paint and decorate their neighbors house while on vacation. If you don't like what he's watching leave, work out, do your toes, read a book, take a bath, call your mother, all the things he wouldn't want to be doing with you.

3. Pitch fits to get your way. I think I hate this one the most. Mainly because it reminds me of my kids whining and pitching fits. It's so annoying. All's it does is just get him to agree to anything you want to shut you up. But that's the point right? Not necessarily, depends on what your bitching about. Is it him not sending friendly texts with his coworker your jealous of? Well sure he'll agree to not text but doesn't mean he won't e-mail her. (E-mails are harder to track too! at least if he's just texting her you can always call the phone company and get the records) And then next thing you know it they're banging in the copy room on lunch.

4. Get mad when he checks out other chicks. Get over it. Don't think he'll stop just because you tell him you're upset that he does it. He won't, and next time he might not check anyone out he'll just imagine what the  bartender's nipples look like even if she looks like Whoopi Goldberg's twin. Let him check out girls, then this will give you full reign on scoping out men in front of him and even making subtle comments about it. Remember you're a woman and you have more of a shot of hooking up with the hottie on the beach then he does hooking up with the 40 year old woman at Zale's. Women control men, if not with their words with their boobies.

5. Complain about his spending habits. Unless you're about to file for Chapter 13 17 whatever leave it be. And don't mention you saw his credit card statements that said he spent $200 at the porn store until you see this season's latest Coach collection. Cash these tidbits of knowledge only when necessary, yes Coach's spring line is necessary.

6. Never talk shit on his bedroom skills. You just might be cut off. Then you'll have to pull out one of those 20 or so dildos your friends gave you for your birthday five years ago that you have in your closet and invest in a lot of D batteries. Honey I think Energizers stock just went up!

     What to bitch about.....

1. Hair in the sink, that shit just gets everywhere.
2. Dirty laundry on the floor, bitch I ain't your momma.
3. His driving capabilities, no one wants to die just because he feels the need to race to Captain D's before they close.
4. Him banging other chicks, yes bitch about this then dump his skank ass and pray he gets herpes.
5. His hag of a mother, just because it's fun.
6. His friends being morons. That's fun too!


     So ladies stop being stupid bitches, or I'll take your man (well as long as he's hot or if he's not I'll do it just for fun). We're already in control without trying, so why micromanage?

To Chippendale or Not To Chippendale?

  Just sitting here thinking about the Vegas trip I'm taking next week with my friend from high school Jen. Our first night there we're going to see the Chippendale dancers preform. Every time I think of this one of two things pops up in my head. One, the scene from the movie Bridesmaids where the blonde chick from Reno 911 is on the phone talking about how bad she wants to go to Vegas because she wants, "balls in my face". And two, the night a few weeks ago where I got to hang out with the Chippendale dancers that came here to my town to preform.

     I am very glad and grateful I got to see them preform for many reasons. I'm a list kind of person so I'm going to make one.

    Reasons I'm Glad I Got To See the Chippendale Dancers Preform In My New Hometown

1. I work at a strip club and see naked women all the time. I'm not a lesbian. You catch my drift?
2. They have AMAZING, PERFECTLY sculpted bodies.
3. I got to be picky about the naked men I see.
4. Recently had a very bad break up from someone I love very dearly. He was the last hot guy I got to see  naked.
5. Not everyday you see a man that can actually dance.
6. I got to hang out with them, after being grinded (or ground on?  I'm confused how the past tense form of this word should be in this context. But if ground on is the proper one I'll have serious issues with that because it sounds like coffee crushed in my lap.)  on for awhile during the show. And no I wasn't one of those girls scared to touch them, I was all on that like white on rice.
7. I had a coworker with me, and she had already met them their previous performance a few days before so I knew I'd get to meet them. Thanks! *you know who you are ;)
8. The most important reason is I needed something or someone else to think about besides my ex- boyfriend...and it worked.
9. Bragging rights.
10. Possible once in a lifetime opportunity, well at least for most women.

    Before heading out that night I debated for awhile on what to wear. I didn't want to dress up, because that would seem like I was trying to impress some male strippers, and it's uncomfortable duh. So I wore some new white lace type of Hollister shorts, paired with a ocean blue snug Hollister top, and of course sandals. No bra, but underwear. I show off the ladies in subtle ways when possible. I didn't pay good money not to get recognition for them.  I arrive at the venue early, yes I was very excited. Waiting for what seems like forever. It had been awhile for me don't judge me and my eagerness. Finally after what seemed like forever and a day the doors opened. I payed my cover only after getting hit on by the bouncers, see my lovely lady lumps pay off. Go straight to the bar and grab a drink and one for my lady friend that met me there. Twenty minutes or so later we find out they aren't starting for another hour and a half. Slightly disappointed we head to the strip club attached to the building next door and watch the ladies dance. I grab more drinks. At work I involuntarily watch my fellow coworkers but here I'm just trying to kill time, and honestly watching chicks dance just isn't my thing (refer to reason #1 previously mentioned). Some of the Chippendale dancers came in to hang out before the show. They were hot, but one was obnoxious like that blue and yellow fish on Finding Nemo. And the other one acted pissed like someone just prison raped him then stole all his money. Ten o'clock rolls around and they're finally going to start the show. Thank freaking God because I don't think I could've tolerated anymore naked women hitting on these men right in front of me, especially when I knew they didn't stand a chance. It was actually sad to watch. And no I'm not cocky I'm confident, I actually just think I'm cutesy with a hot body. And I was on a mission remember? getting over my ex. And nothing was going to stand in my way. I don't think any of those girls in the club that night was experiencing the kind of pain I was at the time. I'd go into it but I don't want to sound pathetic.

     The show started and it wasn't what I expected but it was in a way. I was just glad to have hot guys in front of me. I'm sure you can imagine what happened from here. Bare chests walking around, ripped pants, construction hats, a little lip syncing and a lot of dancing. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Did you know they groped you? That was a pleasant surprise. Even felt a little ego boost rumbling inside of me. From all that happened that night my ex would've been so jealous AND his calling me a slut finally rang true. But you know what FUCK YOU STEPHEN! I'm not going to kiss and tell but by the end of the night someone's white ass was against a windshield and it wasn't mine, and that was the SECOND time around that night.

     So now here it is five days before Vegas and a new set of Chippendale dancers and a different friend. What to do? Do I go for the gold again? I did it before because I figured it was an once in a lifetime opportunity. Will it be a twice in a lifetime opportunity? What do I wear this time? Can't dress beachy because well I won't be at the beach anymore. So dress deserty, Vegas deserty. I guess I'll wear heels this time. No I will not wear a bra, I'm not even packing one for Vegas, period. I just know that whatever happens this time, I'm taking pictures.......and sending them to Stephen.



*****Stole the pic from my friend's Facebook, she was smart enough to actually get pictures of them. I on the other hand got pictures for my eyes only (then felt guilty and erased them). Sorry ladies!

The DJ Says I Think Like A Man

     I actually have no problem with the DJ at work telling me I think like a man. It's a compliment to me. And it gives me an excuse to burp and fart in public. Yet I remain in a beautiful shell of a woman. Win Win! Who wouldn't want to think like a man? It is all so simplistic.

     Now if you're interested in thinking like a man here's a few pointers. Think simply. Don't think ahead or try to plot out your next move or the moves of others. Because well that can make you psycho. Enough with the brain fucking! Don't give a shit about what people think, but this doesn't mean be an asshole. It just means be yourself. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Get easily distracted. Think about sex A LOT. These last two things makes life more interesting. So be like a man and imagine men how men imagine us when they see us, naked. No one has to know, and no one will ever find out, unless you tell them. But don't be dumb and tell your friend you just imagined her man pile driving you.

     I know most men come off as assholes, but if you can't beat ém join ém! Not getting so emotional (which I still do at times because I do have female DNA) will make you more attractive. Now I've never tried to think like a man it just comes naturally. It makes more sense to me now that I'm older that I always had more guy friends then chick friends. Honestly chicks annoy me, they're whiny, and most will through you under a bus quicker then a man can make a home run with a hooker off of Lovejoy( over by Hurlburt Field, in case you're interested). Plus good chick friends are hard to come by, those bitches can be so judgmental.  Plus if you're remotely attractive they hate on you in passive aggressive ways, who needs that shit to worry about? Not me! I've even been able to separate emotions from sex when need be. Ladies if you aren't doing this by now and aren't uberly religious you need to jump on this band wagon. Seriously getting regular booty without having to commit or give yourself emotionally is great. For several reasons. One you don't get your feelings hurt, plus why would you want to give your feelings to a man that's willing to use you for sex? (Did you just say double standard? Shut up that's thinking like a woman.) Two you don't have to make room for his toothbrush in your bathroom, makes more room for your makeup, deodorant, sex toy cleaner, or whatever. Three you don't have to worry about sharing your bed and what you do in your sleep. Whether he spends the night or not. You can fart in your sleep worry free because if happens to hear and gets turned off no problem you have nothing invested in him except for the conversation of being fuck buddies. If he doesn't stay the night you keep the bed like it always is, sheets still tucked in and plenty of room. Four, so you're getting ass on a regular and meet a great guy. You'll be able to hold off from sex with him until you know for sure he's worthy of your more pleasurable emotional sex. And it'll give you time to ditch the regular. If great guy turns out to be not so great guy, then you still get side booty and haven't lost or invested anything. Five you're cutting down your risk of STD's by sticking with one person and not sleeping around with everyone, plus a real person is better then toys, they can't pull your hair or smack your ass. Six there's always the possibility of you and fuck buddy eventually getting together, haven't you seen Friends With Benefits? Well I haven't but I'm guessing that's how it ends. I told you I think like a man, I don't watch that mushy bullshit.

     So I know some of you are sitting on your moral high horse right now looking down on me because I'm promoting not only sex before marriage, but sex without love or emotion blah blah blah. But I don't want to hear it. You know why? Because there's no way in hell I'd marry someone without trying the goods first. I can see waiting awhile during the dating period, but not until marriage. I can't even fathom the thought of arriving in a tropical paradise, then racing to the bedroom to just be disappointed. Then hoping it'd get better or him get bigger and it never happen. It's a turn off. I know for a fact if the sex is bad they start getting uglier and uglier. It's just a deal breaker. Often I say things are deal breakers, if they don't like Chick-Fil-A, deal breaker! If they don't like Will Ferrell, deal breaker! If they don't have the words memorized to either Land of The Lost or Stepbrothers, deal breaker! If their teeth are jacked up, deal breaker! So if they're bad in bed, deal breaker! It only makes sense who wants to be in a bad sex relationship with no Will Ferrell jokes, or quotes, which will inevitably lead to a no sex relationship. No thanks! I'd rather be alone. Because if you're going to tolerate someone who doesn't like Will Ferrell (or enter any other of your favorite actors name here) then you'll tolerate bad sex and a lifetime of unfulfilled bed escapades. And again like the blonde chick from Reno 911 on Bridesmaids, while sitting on the airplane talking to the ginger about her sex life, "you've only been with your husband? you don't even know what you want yet, that's what those slutty college years are for. "

Don't Let Me Get Bored or I'll Think About Paraplegic Strippers

      Since working at the club I have a lot of free time on my hands waiting for customers to come in. We open early in the afternoon because let's face it men are constantly horny. And no one can put their finger on when exactly one guy will be horny/bored enough to go to a strip club. So to keep up with Mother Nature we try to stay open as much as possible.

     When I first started last August, I'd just fuck around and play on the pole, or attempt to climb it. To this day I can't climb our Big pole on stage two. My fear of heights gets the best of me every time I try. Plus it hurts my shins. Other times I'd play Uno with my coworkers. Actually the Uno days are some of my fave days with the coworkers. If drinking was involved with those games I can see them getting ugly.  Now when I'm bored at work I read mostly. Anything psychology or humorous. Hey I need an edge to get the most out of the customers, and it has worked for me. Or either I'm just very charming, yea that's it I'm charming.

     One night it was so slow. My friends had just left from visiting me after receiving an "I'm bored come see me now" text. A group of four young guys came in. I had already got money out of two of the four before I decided to try conversing with them. There was a pretentious pussy (to make these types of guys feel like less of humans I tell them the truth which is I don't have cable or internet, and I read all the time. Because this country needs more people like me that do this and doesn't give in to the media's propaganda) amongst them that just rubbed me the wrong way so I knew I'd exclude him from the conversation. Sorry I don't speak jackass. The other of the two that hadn't spent money on anything but the bottled water he had in front of him remained quiet. His loss, maybe if he had had got some alcohol in his system he would've been more fun. Worked for me, I don't mind an audience.

     The two guys that did have functioning mental and vocal capabilities were quite entertaining, and one was well pretty cute for a 21 year old. So to impress this younger generation I decide to tell them some of my ideas for some sketch comedy skits. What I think is a diamond in the rough idea that I hope catches on soon. Just try to visualize the following. And I'm describing it just as I described it to these four young men, with moldable minds.


                                                     The Paraplegic Stripper

*Upbeat rock music starts to play, maybe Kid Rock's Cowboy or Metallica's Sandman, I don't know you get the drift.

  Suddenly a sparkle of chrome flashes and catches the corner of an audience members eye as the strobe light reflects off of a wheel of a wheelchair. Patron has a shocked but intrigued look on his face, and is curious to see what's about to happen.

DJ: Gentlemen get situated in your seats just like Sparkle here, because she's here to keep you just as glued to your seats as she is.

*Sparkle now is in full view followed by Jazmin pushing her out to the stage. Patron still curious, watches Jazmin pull something out of her g-string. It's a zip tie. She gets Sparkle to the pole slowly and seductively as the music gets faster. Bending over as Sparkle is flashing her pearly whites to the crowd, Jazmin zip ties the wheel of the chair to the pole and pushes the chair as hard as she can. She then backs off as Sparkle is spinning her little stripper heart out, her hair blowing in the breeze. The chair slows down as the music is winding down. Jazmin grabs Sparkle placing her hands on her shoulders for her finale. She starts shaking her shoulders back and forth violently to make every man in the audience want to be in the midst of a motorboat with Sparkle. Patron taken back by what he just saw makes it rain on Sparkles and Jazmin. Song ends and Jazmin puts a bucket on Sparkles lap while throwing all the tips inside. (Yes if you want to know, Jazmin is jealous of all Sparkles attention and doesn't give her the original 50/50 as per their agreement. She feels she deserves more because well she did do all of the work. Tough shit Sparkles, you should've hooked up with the late Superman when you had the chance and you wouldn't have been in this situation.) Jazmin rolls Sparkles off the stage. Patron now uberly horny patron decides he wants a lap dance from the wheelchair duo.

Uberly Horny Patron: How much is a dance?
Sparkles: It's thir..(suddenly interrupted by Jazmin)
Jazmin: It's $50 the house get's $10 so I like to make sure Sparkles gets what she deserves
Patron: Ok that works
Sparkles: (confused by Jazmin's statement) Let's go over there.
Jazmin: (whispers into Sparkles ear) You're going to get what you deserve

*Jazmin pushes Sparkles, and escorts patron to the private dance area. He sits. Jazmin proceeds to take Sparkles top off, she then dumps Sparkles onto the man's lap. Then moves the chair out of the way. Sparkles is now sliding down the man, and looks panicked. Jazmin catches her before she hits the floor, holds her onto patron and starts shaking her violently like she did on stage just this time on patron. Dance over, Sparkles slithers down patron like lava down a volcano. The money collected my Jazmin, of course and Sparkles loaded back onto her wheelchair. Mission accomplished.


     So once I finish telling my sketch to the guys, they all had a very surprised looks on their faces. The two guys with a sense of humor laughed. Then the cute one tells me this, "Uhm so I think you need to get cable and internet back. You have way too much time on your hands. All the time is making you have sick thoughts. The time wasted on t.v. will prevent you from thinking of crazy shit like that." Then he laughed and said my idea was funny. His more intelligent friend thought it was hilarious. So we proceeded to the topic of nugget porn and how they sign the consent forms. Then of course it led to the conversation of McDonald's Chicken McNuggets. I have a feeling McDonald's wouldn't appreciate my endorsement.

And then there's Tazer Panties.......

Just A Lil Part of The Chapter "I'm My Own Worst Enemy"

Several years, and a gay husband later I met Larry. He was my first military boyfriend and I found him quite interesting. The military world was completely foreign to me. I thought it sounded sexy saying my boyfriend was a sergeant. I think it was the uniform and tattoos that really got me. So like the beginning of any romantic relationship we fucked like rabbits. I'd stay on post in his barracks room three to four nights a week. He'd get up before the butt crack of dawn for duty, and I'd leave later when I woke up. If I wasn't up and out before lunch he'd come back to his room for a nooner, even if I was sick. Which was often because sleeping in his room was like sleeping on the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Who doesn't love a man that'll bang you while you're hacking up a lung?

One night after a good 20 minutes of rabbit fucking we passed out. Some time in the night my colon decided it hated me, and it was pissed. To this day I'm still not sure how I pissed my colon off that night but I did. No laxatives, Chinese food, alcohol, or fried foods. What the fuck was its problem?

I'm a very thoughtful girlfriend in the way of farting because I won't do them audibly in front of my man. Silently yes, audibly no. I have a strategy for farts around my man, the master deception. Example if we're laying in bed, an urge to fart knocks at my asshole, I pretend I'm hot and start tossing and turning. I position myself with my face towards the middle of the bed, ass towards the edge of the bed. I let my sphincter relax, and out comes the fart. As it's coming out I lift the covers up slightly, and gently fan it outwards. Voile! I don't have to hold it in, and no one knows it's there but me. Unfortunately this night it sounded like Zeus was angrily shooting lightning bolts out of my ass and it felt like it too. Larry was a deep sleeper but I was still praying to God. Praying that if my explosives farts didn't wake Larry up that I'd do whatever he wanted, hail Mary's, kneeling on bricks, sacrificing a lamb/goat/first born whatever. But please, please don't let him wake up from the sound or worse the smell! My God, Mr. Colon was pissed the fuck off. He was letting me know for sure he wasn't going to let me get away with it. The intense sudden urge to release my bowels sent me jolting to the toilet.

A barracks room in most cases is a lot like a hotel room. No real living space, just a place for a bed, and the bathroom right by it. Room for a desk, but let's get serious who really needs that in a hotel, and especially in a barracks room? That's like giving the Dahli Lama a gift card to Pier One. Now clinching my sphincter as tightly as possible to get there without shitting myself was like trying out for synchronized swimming with no previous experience and a fear of water. Running into the bathroom I turned the faucet on and flushed the industrial style toilet for a pre-courtesy flush. So as this ass lava was coming out it would already be headed to it's eternal resting place. It didn't go down without a fight. I'm not sure how long I was in there but it was long enough to consider putting a tampon in my bum so I could sleep peacefully without soiling the sheets. The smell of the Massacre of Bum's Landing was horrendous. I left the bathroom fan on and crept back into bed. Quickly glancing at the time I realized Larry had to get up for duty in 15 minutes. Panic, panic, no don't panic it'll make you shit again. But there's no shit left. I thought to myself. OK I'll pray some more and maybe this time repent and God might possibly make the stench vanish. And while praying just pretend to be sleeping. The alarm went off. He slowly started getting out of bed. Then walked towards the bathroom for his morning pee. This is it, this is the defining moment of our relationship. He's either going to a) not smell it and I'm good as gold, b) smell it, be utterly disgusted and dump me for being an ass pissing bitch or c) smell it, ignore it, and if he does then he must love me and I must marry him. He walked out of the bathroom, puts his hand on my shoulder and asks, “Baby are you alright?”