The DJ Says I Think Like A Man

     I actually have no problem with the DJ at work telling me I think like a man. It's a compliment to me. And it gives me an excuse to burp and fart in public. Yet I remain in a beautiful shell of a woman. Win Win! Who wouldn't want to think like a man? It is all so simplistic.

     Now if you're interested in thinking like a man here's a few pointers. Think simply. Don't think ahead or try to plot out your next move or the moves of others. Because well that can make you psycho. Enough with the brain fucking! Don't give a shit about what people think, but this doesn't mean be an asshole. It just means be yourself. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Get easily distracted. Think about sex A LOT. These last two things makes life more interesting. So be like a man and imagine men how men imagine us when they see us, naked. No one has to know, and no one will ever find out, unless you tell them. But don't be dumb and tell your friend you just imagined her man pile driving you.

     I know most men come off as assholes, but if you can't beat ém join ém! Not getting so emotional (which I still do at times because I do have female DNA) will make you more attractive. Now I've never tried to think like a man it just comes naturally. It makes more sense to me now that I'm older that I always had more guy friends then chick friends. Honestly chicks annoy me, they're whiny, and most will through you under a bus quicker then a man can make a home run with a hooker off of Lovejoy( over by Hurlburt Field, in case you're interested). Plus good chick friends are hard to come by, those bitches can be so judgmental.  Plus if you're remotely attractive they hate on you in passive aggressive ways, who needs that shit to worry about? Not me! I've even been able to separate emotions from sex when need be. Ladies if you aren't doing this by now and aren't uberly religious you need to jump on this band wagon. Seriously getting regular booty without having to commit or give yourself emotionally is great. For several reasons. One you don't get your feelings hurt, plus why would you want to give your feelings to a man that's willing to use you for sex? (Did you just say double standard? Shut up that's thinking like a woman.) Two you don't have to make room for his toothbrush in your bathroom, makes more room for your makeup, deodorant, sex toy cleaner, or whatever. Three you don't have to worry about sharing your bed and what you do in your sleep. Whether he spends the night or not. You can fart in your sleep worry free because if happens to hear and gets turned off no problem you have nothing invested in him except for the conversation of being fuck buddies. If he doesn't stay the night you keep the bed like it always is, sheets still tucked in and plenty of room. Four, so you're getting ass on a regular and meet a great guy. You'll be able to hold off from sex with him until you know for sure he's worthy of your more pleasurable emotional sex. And it'll give you time to ditch the regular. If great guy turns out to be not so great guy, then you still get side booty and haven't lost or invested anything. Five you're cutting down your risk of STD's by sticking with one person and not sleeping around with everyone, plus a real person is better then toys, they can't pull your hair or smack your ass. Six there's always the possibility of you and fuck buddy eventually getting together, haven't you seen Friends With Benefits? Well I haven't but I'm guessing that's how it ends. I told you I think like a man, I don't watch that mushy bullshit.

     So I know some of you are sitting on your moral high horse right now looking down on me because I'm promoting not only sex before marriage, but sex without love or emotion blah blah blah. But I don't want to hear it. You know why? Because there's no way in hell I'd marry someone without trying the goods first. I can see waiting awhile during the dating period, but not until marriage. I can't even fathom the thought of arriving in a tropical paradise, then racing to the bedroom to just be disappointed. Then hoping it'd get better or him get bigger and it never happen. It's a turn off. I know for a fact if the sex is bad they start getting uglier and uglier. It's just a deal breaker. Often I say things are deal breakers, if they don't like Chick-Fil-A, deal breaker! If they don't like Will Ferrell, deal breaker! If they don't have the words memorized to either Land of The Lost or Stepbrothers, deal breaker! If their teeth are jacked up, deal breaker! So if they're bad in bed, deal breaker! It only makes sense who wants to be in a bad sex relationship with no Will Ferrell jokes, or quotes, which will inevitably lead to a no sex relationship. No thanks! I'd rather be alone. Because if you're going to tolerate someone who doesn't like Will Ferrell (or enter any other of your favorite actors name here) then you'll tolerate bad sex and a lifetime of unfulfilled bed escapades. And again like the blonde chick from Reno 911 on Bridesmaids, while sitting on the airplane talking to the ginger about her sex life, "you've only been with your husband? you don't even know what you want yet, that's what those slutty college years are for. "